Gaara's Relationship Problem
by Clumsy Ninjable
Summary: Gaara is caught with a love letter to someone...what happens when his lovely siblings attempt to help him with it? Rating went up due to perversion.
1. Shipoopi!

FF: -stares at screen drooling- What is this place?

YFF: Remember? You used to write on here a few years ago.

FF: Did I?

YFF: Yeah…

FF: Wow…

Disclaimer: Roses are red, violets are blue. I own nothing, so you can't sue.

Warning: EXTREME OOCness! SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN TO LOWER YOUR IQ!

Gaara stared at the haiku on the note pad he was writing in before grabbing the paper and crumbling it in his hand. He moodily threw it across the room before crossing his arms and brooding for a moment or so. Yes, Gaara was in fact in a foul mood. Why? Well, because the great Kazekage, the feared Demon of the Desert…couldn't write poems…at all.

With a sigh the red haired man picked up his pen again and scribbled down a few more lines. He read them over a few times before growling and again crumbling up the piece of paper before it joined the others on the floor across the room. Why couldn't he do it? Writing poetry should be easy! After all, Gaara had excelled in every challenge given to him…so why couldn't he just write a poem?

"Gaara," a voice said from the other side of the door. Gaara knew it was Temari, only she would dare to disturb him in his room. "Gaara, you've got paperwork to – "

"I'm busy," Gaara replied dully as he scribbled a few more lines down on the paper. Temari opened the door to see the paper littered floor and her youngest brother working diligently on a piece of paper.

"Watcha doing?" Temari asked as she walked over to Gaara. She attempted to peer over his shoulder, however a wall of sand blocked her view.

"Mind your own business," Gaara snarled, covering his notepad with his arms so his nosy older sister wouldn't be able to see it.

"Fine," Temari snapped back, turning her back to her brother and stalking out of the room. "See if I ever help you with your paperwork again!" However, one of the rather poorly crumpled notes on the floor caught her attention. Curiously, she picked it up and un crumpled it.

Gaara's keen ears picked up the paper and he spun around, knocking down his chair in the process and charging at Temari. If she read that…he was panic stricken. Everything seemed to move in slow motion as he watched his sister read over the words, her mouth dropping open and her eyes widening.

Gaara snatched the paper back and glared at Temari who stood there dumbstruck. She looked at Gaara like he had grown another head, and Gaara's eyes narrowed and a look of pure hatred came across his face.

"Gaara…" she said, still in a daze. "You're…you're…you're in love!" She squealed in excitement, causing Kankuro to poke his head into the room.

"What's going on?" he asked as he looked to the glaring Gaara and the squealing Temari. Three out of the four voices in his head told him to walk away now.

"Gaara's in love! Gaara's in love!" Temari sang as she danced, causing Gaara's sand to swirl around his feet and his eye twitch. "Is my itty witty brother in lovey wovey? Oh…isn't that so cute…"

"Temari," Gaara growled, his eyes aflame with pure unadulterated anger.

"Temari, leave the kid alone, let me handle this." Kankuro said, motioning for Gaara to follow him. "After all, you're not sensitive about this kind of subject."

At that Temari's laughter doubled and she fell on the floor amidst the discarded poems, holding her sides. Kankuro rolled his eyes and ushered Gaara out the door, much to the younger brother's displeasure.

"I don't need your help," Gaara snarled, however Kankuro didn't listen as he lead Gaara into the village.

"Now…Gaara, there are three kinds of girls," Kankuro began as he stretched his arms above his head. "Now, a woman who'll kiss on the very first date is usually a hussy. And a woman who'll kiss on the second time out, is anything but fussy. Now a woman who'll wait for the third time around! HEAD IN THE CLOUDS! FEET ON THE GROUND! She's the girl he's glad he's found! She's his shipoopi!"

"What?" Gaara asked, staring at his brother as though he were on crack.

Kankuro jumped up onto a counter, nobody else seemed to care that Kankuro had suddenly broken out into a Broadway Musical in the middle of the street…they acted as though this happened a lot.

"Shipoopi! Shipoopi! Shipoopi!" Kankuro sang, doing almost a retarded chicken walk.

"The girl whose hard to get!" All the men, minus Gaara, sang out in rough voices.

"Shipoopi! Shipoopi! Shipoopi!" Kankuro continued, the men now joining in his ridiculous dance move.

"But you can't win her yet," all the females sang in a high pitched voice.

Kankuro jumped down from the stand and began to circle Gaara before heading towards a girl in a short skirt and walking around her as well.

"Walk around one just to raise the curtain! Walk around twice just to make for certain! Once more in the flower garden! She'll never get bored if you beg her pardon!" Kankuro sang walking around the girl three times as she giggled.

"Do, ra, mi, fa, so, la, si, do! Si, la, so, fa, mi, ra, do!" all the villagers sang out.

Kankuro twirled to another girl and wrapped her in his arms, causing the girl to giggle and blush.

"Squeeze her once when she isn't lookin'! If ya get a squeeze back then that's fancy cookin'! Once more for a pepper-upper! She'll never get sore on her way to supper!" Kankuro sang.

"What does supper have to do with any of this?" Gaara's eye was twitching uncontrollably by now.

"Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, si, do! Si do!" The villagers sang once more.

Kankuro twirled to another girl and wrapped an arm around her shoulders.

"Now little ol' sal was a No-gal! As anyone could see, look at her now. She's a Go-Gal! Who only goes for me!" Kankuro grinned at the girl who blushed. "Squeeze her once when she isn't lookin'! If ya get a squeeze back then that's fancy cookin'! Once more for a pepper-upper! She'll never get sore on her way to supper!"

"Do re mi fa so la si do! Si do!" the villages had former a circle around Gaara now.

"Shipoopi! Shipoopi! Shipoopi!" Kankuro sang as everyone did the same retarded chicken step as before.

"THE GIRL WHOSE HARD TO GET!" all the villagers chorused in.

"Shipoopi! Shipoopi! Shipoopi!" Kankuro continued.

"BUT YOU CAN'T WIN HER YET!" the villagers continued.

"That's it! I'm out of here!" Gaara said, pushing his way to the edge of the crowd.

"YOU CAN'T WIN HER YEEETT!" Everyone sang, holding the last note as Gaara slipped away from the crazed villagers and towards a more secluded place.

"SHIPOOPI!"

FF: ) I'm back baby! Please R&R


	2. You're My Hunney Bun, Sugar Plum

FF: -poses- Yosh! Four reviews in the first day! It's a new record for me!

YCB: So you're updating already?

FF: Yosh! And to answer similingcat's question…I am currently running away from a mental asylum in Wisconsin. And to Sasuke-CMW's friend…I'm on eggs! D

YCB: You are so weird…in excuse for my Aibou, we would also like to MissMelody21 and karkadan for reviewing as well.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything…because I stink…only slightly…

FF: LET THE SECOND PART OF THE MADNESS BEGIN!

Gaara, having run away from the horrible musical of doom, was currently walking towards his room. He wondered what in the 8 circles of hell Kankuro was on…now that he thought about it, he really didn't want to know. With a sigh, he opened the door to his room and stepped inside.

Gaara's room had been changed, and Gaara felt his eyebrows raise on their own accord. Apparently, Temari had read all his failed poems and had set up a 'romantic dinner' in which she would teach Gaara all the fine arts of dating.

Before Gaara could retreat to the roof Temari had pushed him into the room and strapped him to the chair using Duct Tape. Gaara glared at his sister as she seated herself opposite him and smiled.

"Welcome, Gaara," She said in a mysterious voice. "To Dating 101."

"Let me go," Gaara snarled, attempting to use his sand to break free of the Duct Tape…but since Duct Tape is evil and since this is my story and not yours, he was unable to break free, and thus he was forced to undergo the torture Temari had 'oh so lovingly' set up for him.

"No can do, Gaara," Temari said, shaking her head. "You have to learn the do's and don'ts of dating, especially if you want to seduce this girl."

"I don't want to seduce her," Gaara's eyes narrowed as he glared at his sister. Was it just him or where both his siblings on crack?

"Yes you do," Temari said. "You must learn all the in and outs of dating! Let's start with the romantic moonlit dinner!"

Gaara's eyes flickered out the window…the sun was shining brightly in the sky and another chorus of 'Shipoopi' rang through the streets. He narrowed his eyes and turned back to Temari.

"It's not night," Gaara replied dryly, "And that ridiculous song is hardly considered 'romantic.'" Unknown to many people, Gaara was a closet romance novel reader.

Temari frowned and pulled down the shades. "Now, let's get to work! When you first arrive you have to pull out her chair for her," Temari said as she sat down. "Since you're Duct Taped to the chair, you can't so we'll skip that part. "Then you have to make small talk with her. Like…nice weather isn't it? And, when is your next period."

"What?" Gaara asked, his eyes bulging out of his head slightly and a vein appearing on his forehead. "I am not going to ask her about her menstrual cycle."

Temari, like Kankuro had done earlier, simply ignored him. "Now, you order whatever she's having. It shows that you like some of the same things she does, even if you don't like it."

"…" Gaara's eye twitched at this. To hell if he was going to order something he didn't like.

"And then comes the singing!" Temari said as she stood up.

"…Singing…?" Gaara's eye was twitching uncontrollably at this point.

"You must serenade the lady!" She said, placing a hand dramatically on her chest and holding the other one out. "Sing to her!"

'Not more singing…' Gaara groaned as Temari cleared her throat.

"You're my hunny bun, sugar plum, pumpy, umpy, umpkins. You're my sweetie pie." Temari sang, her voice cracking and hitting notes that were so high she

sounded like a chipmunk. "I REALLY REALLY DO!"

"Stop!" Gaara yelled, shaking his head as though to stop her horrible singing. Alas, he could not cover his ears because his hands were taped to his side.\

"You're my cuppy cake, gumdrop, shiggity shingms pure, the apple of my eye!" Temari continue to 'serenade,' unaware of the birds dying outside the window.

"TEMARI!" Gaara yelled, however Temari merely shoved an apple in his mouth and continued to sing her song.

"And I LOVE YOU SO!" Temari was dancing around in circles by this point. "AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW I'LL ALWAYS BE RIGHT HERE!"

Gaara was struggling like a madman against the Duct Tape, spitting the apple out of his mouth, he stood with the chair still taped to him and hopped towards the open window. His ears were bleeding now.

"AND I LOVE TO SING THIS SONG TO YOU! BECAUSE YOU ARE SO DEAR!" Temari finished, spinning around in a circle and doing a ridiculous pose.

Gaara managed to jump out the window at that moment, the chair scrapping against a conveniently placed flagpole and breaking off, freeing Gaara from the chair. Gaara's sand cushioned his fall as he landed in the alley below, deciding to make a mad dash to the desert.

"Gaara?" Temari asked when she noticed her victim was no where to be seen. "Gaara? Where did you go?"

Meanwhile, Gaara had made it out to a rather secluded area of Sunagakure and was relaxing, and dabbing the blood out of his ears with a tissue he had stolen from some little kid on his retreat. What was with his siblings anyway?

So he had a crush on a girl? So what! He could deal with it himself, he didn't need everybody helping him. After all, since when had his siblings ever decided to help him? And the girl in question would never like him back.

Gaara sighed as Shukaku laughed in the back of his mind. Because of that stupid demon that made his life hell, the girl he liked would never like him back…and it made the poor red haired Kazekage sad.

"UN!" screamed a voice from above.

Gaara's eyes shot up as he stared at the bird flying over head. Dropping down in front of him was Deidara, and he smiled at Gaara with a mischievous look in his eye. Gaara had a really bad feeling about this.

"I heard about your problem, un!" Deidara said, grinning wildly. "And I can help, un!"

"Oh no," Gaara groaned as Deidara grinned.

"I am going to teach you how to get the girl, un!" Deidara puffed his chest out, his hands on his hips.

"How, dare I ask?" Gaara replied, his eyes narrowing.

"Through the wonderful method of dancing the salsa, Un!"

FF: That's all for now. Please R&R!


	3. The Salsa and Seduction 101

FF: Yay! So many reviews! I suddenly feel loved! -huggles-

YFF: Alright, Pvt. Pinny, I'll answer your questions. In the Japanese Anime, Deidara is a boy. I said it! He's a boy! A male. He has a … phallus.

FF: Yay! Fancy language!

YFF: The stupid dubbing people thought he looked too much like a she and made him into a girl. That is why you can't trust dubbing. Secondly, the salsa is a type of dance…and it's very fast and very hard and takes lots and lots of practice.

FF: Sadly, I don't know how to do the Salsa…v.v;;

YFF: And Deidara is a bad guy…we just felt like throwing him in because he's…funny.

To the Story!

Gaara stared at Deidara as though he was on crack. Wasn't this the guy who had…well…kidnapped him and almost killed him? The Kazekage bent into a fighter's stance, preparing to hit Deidara with everything he had.

Suddenly the blond spun around in a circle and was wearing a shimmery red top and a red mini skirt. He also wore a large basket of fruit on his head. Gaara's eye twitched, and he began to wonder if he was the only person in the entire world who was still sane.

"Come, Gaara!" He said as he created a man like person out of clay to play a clay guitar. He stared at his master piece… he had to resist the urge to blow it up…he needed it to teach Gaara how to Salsa. "Let us…SALSA!"

"I'D RATHER DIE!" Gaara spat as his eye continued to twitch uncontrollably!

However, Deidara wouldn't take no for an answer and 'forced' Gaara by drugging him with…lemonade powder. –gasp!-

"Like this! La la la la!" Deidara sang as the clay man played his guitar. Gaara was led around in a daze by Deidara, trying not to pass out from the lemonade powder.

"Stop!" he begged as Deidara spun him in a circle so fast he felt as though he was going to puke. And suddenly it all went black.

Gaara awoke to find himself staring into the face of a walking shark. With a gasp, he sat up and backed away. Kisame grinned down at him with sharp teeth. Gaara's eyes narrowed as he tried to stand, but found his feet where bound with thick ropes. It didn't help that the ropes where sprayed with Nin-Off, the one bugspray that kept away Ninjas instead of bugs.

"I heard about your problem," he said with a grin. "I'm here to help."

"NO!" Gaara suddenly screamed. "Enough! I've had enough of this! I don't have help! I'll just figure it out on my own!"

"Nonsense!" Kisame replied with a grin. "I'm going to teach you an important life skill!"

Gaara's eye twitched for the umpteenth time that day. "And that is…"

"The Art of seduction!" Kisame posed and Gaara felt the urge to throw up.

Kisame put a rose in his mouth and stood right behind Gaara so he was talking into his ear. "You must seduce her first. Get physical…touch her…offer her corney presents like roses and teddy bears. Or…" Kisame backed up. "CHUM!"

"…"

"Yes!" Kisame held up the bucket of rotting fish guts. "Chum! It's sure to attract any kind of female you want! First you spread it all over your body like this…"

Gaara wasn't sure whether or not to throw up or pass out. Not only was the smell getting to him, but the whole, Kisame spreading chum over his body was kind of gross. A kunai hit the ropes and suddenly Gaara felt himself being carried away.

Gaara looked up at his savior and groaned. No, he really really groaned. It was bad enough that he had to deal with Deidara and … Kisame on crack. But not this…anything but this! Fate was cackling at how miserable she was making his life! Somewhere out there, someone was making fun of him! Oh the horror! Please! Please let him wake up from this horrible dream…

"THAT WAS A YOUTHFUL RESCUE GAI-SENSEI!"

--

FF: Short. I know. I'm in a creative slump. Idea's please. R&R

YFF: Kudos to everyone who gave us reviews! –hands them cookies- We love you all. Oo;;


	4. THE POWER OF YOUTH!

F.F: Thank you all for the reviews. They make me happy. XD Anyway, I've been having a kind of writer's block on what I want Gai and Lee to do. –shivers- I hope this comes out okay….

♥

As if Gaara's day couldn't get any worse. First his entire village had joined in to some ridiculous song that they had seemingly made up on the spot. Then Temari tried to teach him how to serenade someone. Deidara had tried to teach him how to salsa, and he had watched a shark man rub chum on himself.

But that was nothing that compared to what stood before Gaara know. His brow twitched at the two, green, spandex clad men before him, giving each other the good guy pose. And Gaara felt the need to kill himself multiple times over.

"Gaara!" Lee said as he all but tackled the poor red haired Kazekage to the ground. "It is so nice to see you when you're not trying to kill me?"

Gaara blinked. Oh yes, now he remembered. That one time Gaara had tried to kill Lee during the Chuunin Exams…

"NOT TO WORRY!" Lee shouted. Gaara was sure he went deaf in one ear. "I understand the youthful urges that one receives!"

"Yes, Lee! Forgive him and his foolish ways!" Gai struck a thumbs up sign once more. "And we have heard of your current situation! Allow us to help you!"

Gaara groaned. Did everybody know that he liked a girl? For God's sake, this was getting blown way out of proportion.

"It's alright…" he muttered as he eyed the two staring eagerly at him. "I'll figure this out on my"

"NO! WE INSIST!" They chimed together before they each grabbed one of Gaara's arms and dragged him off to God knows where.

"If you want to make a girl like you, you must impress her! You must woe her! And there is only one way in which you can do that!" Gai said as they continued to drag Gaara through the woods.

"Listen to the wise and powerful Gai-sensei, Gaara! For he knows all!" Lee chirped in, his eyebrows waggling happily.

Gaara felt the sudden urge to reach up and pull them off.

"Do you know what that one way is, Gaara?" Gai asked.

Gaara groaned. "Something stupid," he muttered unhappily.

Obviously, the insult went through Gai's head, or he interpreted it as something else. "That's right!" Gai flashed a smile and a few birds ran into a tree due to the brightness of it. "THE ONLY WAY TO GET SOMEONE TO LIKE YOU IS TO BE AS YOUTHFUL AS POSSIBLE!"

"YOSH!" Lee screamed happily, punching his free fist into the air. "TEACH US GAI-SENSEI!"

The two arrived back in the clearing where Tenten was sharpening her kunai and Neji was staring at a twig with such intensity that it might burst into flames at any second.

"Hey, Gaara," Tenten greeted happily. "We already heard…"

"HOW?!" Gaara yanked himself free of the two taijutsu specialist's grip and glared at the four. "How does everyone know my business?!"

Little did Gaara know that there was a secret, "Gaara Hotline," started by some random fan girl that spread Gaara's business all throughout the shinobi world. It included times that he bathed, trained, ate, went to the bathroom, and a wonderful description of the books and other things in his possession.

So everyone just ignored him in fear that Gaara might destroy said fan girl and cut the world off from his personal business.

"I have woed many a girl!" Gai pointed at himself.

"Really, Gai-sensei!?" Lee asked, his eyes watering.

"They can't stand to be away from this handsome beast!" his teeth sparkled.

"TEACH ME GAI-SENSEI!! TEACH ME SO THAT I MAY CAPTURE THE HEART OF MY BELOVED CHERRY BLOSSOM!" Lee bounced up and down.

"The last girl Gai-sensei tried to 'woe'," Neji spoke casually, "Moved to the other side of the village, changed her name, and got a restraining order."

"And that other woman tried to kill herself when Gai-sensei came down her chimney during Christmas," Tenten added.

Gaara's suspicion was confirmed. Never take dating advice from Gai, Lee, Kisame, Deidara, Temari, or Kankurou.

"Now, the first step of being youthful is to put a smile on!" Gai said, flashing a smile. "To get your teeth as shiny as mine, you should floss, brush and use mouth wash after every bit of food you take!"

"YOSH!" Lee chimed in agreement.

"Now, Gaara, show us your smile!" Gai said with an even bigger grin.

Gaara's mouth formed into a snarl as he glared up at Gai with all his might. The mighty man in green spandex frowned before a light bulb lit up above his head. "I know!"

With that he produced two clothespins out of seemingly now where and pinned Gaara's lips up into one of the most disgusting and disturbing smiles ever. A few squirrels dropped dead at the site.

"And last but not least," Lee said, grinning like a Cheshire cat.

"To woe the ladies," Gai continued.

"Here we go," Tenten sighed.

"Five," Neji began the countdown.

"You must wear."

"Four."

"These super comfy."

"Three."

"Stretchy and attractive,"

"Two."

"Latest fashion…."

"One," Neji said as he went back to staring at the twig.

"SPANDEX!!" Gai and Lee held out a pair of green spandex.

Gaara could probably not tell you how fast he ran away from those two crazed imbeciles. Probably faster than Lee with a sugar rush. He didn't pay attention to where he was going, and soon crashed straight into everyone's favorite perverted Sennin.

♥

FF: XD There's the chapter. If you have an idea, please send it to me! R&R! Oh…and did anyone else but me notice that Lee and Gai fit perfectly into this story without me having to change their personality?


	5. The 'Adult' Santa

F.F: Do you smell that?

Y.F: Smell what?

F.F: The winter air! Do you know what time of the year it is?

Y.F: It's near the holidays…Great.

F.F: CHRISTMAS SPECIAL!!

(Oh, to do the little heart/club/spade/etc, press alt and a number on the number pad)

♣

Not only had Gaara crashed into Jiraiya, but the legendary Sannin was wearing the most ridiculous outfit ever. He wore a red hat brimmed with white fur, and a red coat, red pants, and big black boots. He wore a fake beard and carried a large sac behind him.

"What are you wearing?" Gaara asked, completely forgetting about the two spandex clad figures in the background crying over their lost protégé.

"Shhh!" Jiraiya put a gloved hand to his lips. "I'm the Adult Santa! You can't know I'm here!"

"Huh?" Gaara said, his head sliding forward on his neck. "What are you talking about?"

Jiraiya sighed as he dragged Gaara to his flying red 1980 Ford Mustang. With that Gaara was thrown into the backseat next to Jiraiya's massive bag.

"I am the adult Santa!" Jiraiya said as the car flew off into the night sky. "You see, Saint Nick gives good little children presents, but who gives things to their parents? That is why I, Jiraiya, have taken up the part of the Adult Santa!"

"And what…dare I ask…do you get them?" Gaara asked.

"Why, what else?" He reached over the seat and rummaged in his bag. After a few seconds he pulled out a magazine and tossed it to Gaara. "Porn!"

"MY EYES!! MY EYES!! MY POOR VIRGIN EYES!" Gaara screamed as he threw the magazine back into the sac. "Why would adults want those kinds of things!"

"For many reasons, Gaara!" Jiraiya said. "For example, a couple who has been married for a long time need to get into the mood before they make sweet love! Therefore they read those magazines to get into the mood! And young couples use them to learn new moves!"

"Please! Stop!" Gaara groaned as he grabbed his ears. "I'm not listening! La la la!"

"AND!" Jiraiya said louder than Gaara's la's. "Young bachelors use it to relieve sexual frustration!"

"WHY KAMI!? WHY DO YOU TORTURE ME SO!?" Gaara cried as he fell to his knees, clutching his red hair between his fingers.

"Oh, come on lad! Don't tell me you've never masturbated!" Jiraiya grinned as he landed his flying red 1980 Ford Mustang. "Now, have a merry adult Christmas! And here, maybe this'll help you with your problem!" Jiraiya tossed Gaara a book covered in brown paper. "Ho, ho, ho!" He said as his flying red 1980 Ford Mustang flew off into the air.

Gaara unwrapped the book, and his eye twitched uncontrollably as he stared at the title: 127 Positions for You and Your Lover. The book immediately met a sandy death as Gaara continued to the nearest ninja village he knew of.

Sadly, that village was Konoha…and he feared who he would meet once he got there.

♣

F.F: Short, I know. But there's so much yelling over here I can't concentrate. - I may post on Christmas, maybe a special 'The Night Before Christmas' Naruto style. Who knows?


	6. Hiashi is a Dancing Queen

F.F: Thank you all for the reviews! It makes me so happy to know that I'm on people's alerts and stuff! Well, first chapter of the New Year. Way to start it off with a Writer's Block. Please people! Please! I'm begging you! Send me ideas, no matter how retarded they are!

Y.F.F: Yeah, please. She actually stole this next one from a Naruto video her friends showed her on Newgrounds.

F.F: Yep! Well, I don't own Naruto.

Gaara breathed a sigh of relief as he entered the village gates with only a little hassle from the Anbu guards. With that he set to wandering the streets, keeping a look out for her. She was the most beautiful girl in Konoha, in his opinion. She was everything he looked for in a woman…

And no, this evil author is not going to reveal who she is until the very end. Though one of you who may or may not be reading this have already guessed it.

He headed to the outskirts of the village to take a breather. After all, he hadn't stopped running until he was sure that the perverted magazine and the two spandex clad dudes where far behind him.

As everyone's favorite Kazekage collapsed underneath a tree, he heard a beat blaring from the woods. Curiously, his eyes found a bright orange extension cord poorly hidden underneath the grass. He followed it with his eyes into the woods before curiosity got to him.

Well, like they always say, curiosity killed the cat…or raccoon-dog in this case.

Gaara neared the source of the sound, and he could discreetly tell that it was a song, and Abba song to be correct. He gulped as the happy techno/hip hop beat rang through the woods. Who could be listening to that kind of trash? It was almost as bad as that stuff they called crap!

Err…Rap!

"DANCING QUEEN! FEEL THE BEAT OF THE TAMBOURINE!" a male voice was singing along to the tune.

Gaara gulped. The male's baritone mingled horribly with the high pitched screeching of the group called A-Teen. After all, even the two male members of that group had high pitched voices. As a matter of fact, their voices could match the high pitched of the Japanese Naruto's Voice.

Not that Gaara was a music specialist or anything. I mean, come on, just because a guy wins the Sunagakure no Sato Opera Sing Off every year doesn't mean he's an excellent singer. (In reality, the judges where too afraid to give Gaara a bad score, so he almost always won).

Gaara approached the clearing and peeked out behind the tree. What he saw caused his jaw to drop. There was Neji Hyuuga, the number one rookie of his graduating class…dressed in tight white pants, without a shirt on, spinning in a circle, screeching 'Dancing Queen' at the top of his lungs.

And for once, Gaara's eye did not twitch. I mean, after having Gai and Lee try to force you into green spandex seeing Neji with an A-Teen obsession wasn't really surprising. What next? He bet it was that Akamaru was secretly a cat or something.

Gaara would have just walked away, had a tree branch not suddenly flung out of no where, pushing him into the clearing. Neji stopped singing as the two just stared at each other, Gaara on the ground and Neji with his eyes wide in shock.

And then he just screamed. Gaara plugged his ears as Neji screamed like Ino and Sakura combined. He felt blood trickling out of his ears as he watched Neji dance from foot to foot, pointing like a sissy at Gaara.

Gaara groaned, flew to his feet, and ran out as quick as possible. He landed outside the bit of forest and tended to his bleeding ears. Then it hit him. If Neji was here, then Tenten was here. And if Tenten was here that meant…

Gai and Lee had beaten him there.

And if he remembered correctly, that tacky orange extension cord had something written on its side. Something like… 'Property of Maito Gai.'

"Ah, sh-" Gaara started.

"GET HIM LEE!" Gai called as he jumped on Gaara with a sack.

"YES GAI-SENSEI!" Lee replied as he quickly tied the bag with some Gaara-proof rope from K-Mart.

Neji appeared from the forest, and with a poof turned into Tenten who was currently laughing.

"Do you think I overdid it?" Tenten scratched behind her head as Gai slung the squirming bag over his shoulder.

"Who knows? None of us know what Neji does in his spare time," Gai replied.

Elsewhere –

Neji spun in a circle, happy anime eyes replacing his usual cold ones as he twirled around in a slow circle.

"You spin me right 'round baby, right round!" He sang as he wobbled around in a circle.

"Neji! Turn that music down!" Hanabi said, also twirling in her room to dancing queen, attempting to mimic Neji in her new training method. This method was called, Copy Everything Neji Does or CEND as she called it. Of course, she wasn't spinning to Neji's song, Technologic blared from her radio.

Halfway across the Hyuuga compound, Hiashi was twirling in his room, in a pink leotard with a bright pink tutu.

"YOU CAN DANCE!! YOU CAN JIVE! HAVING THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE!! OOH! SEE THAT GIRL! WATCH THAT SCENE! DIG IN THE DANCING QUEEN!!" Hiashi sang as he pranced.

"FRIDAY NIGHT AND THE LIGHTS ARE LOW!  
LOOKING OUT FOR THE PLACE TO GO!

WHERE THEY PLAY THE RIGHT MUSIC  
GETTING IN THE SWING  
YOU COME IN TO LOOK FOR A KING!  
ANYBODY COULD BE THAT GUY  
NIGHT IS YOUNG AND THE MUSIC'S HIGH  
WITH A BIT OF ROCK MUSIC  
EVERYTHING IS FINE  
YOU'RE IN THE MOOD FOR DANCE!  
AND WHEN YOU GET THE CHANCEEE!!!!"

Hiashi did grand leaps around his room.

"YOU ARE THE DANCING QUEEN!! YOUNG AND SWEET ONLY SEVENTEEN! DANCING QUEEN! FEEL THE BEAT FROM THE TAMBOURINE! YOU CAN DANCE!! YOU CAN JIVE!! HAVING THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE!! OOH OOH OOH! SEE THAT GIRL!! WATCH THAT SCENE! DIG IN THE DANCING QUEEN!!!!!"

Oddly enough, Hiashi wasn't all that bad of a singer.


	7. Shoot Me and MarySue 8956

F.F: Woot! Already it's been about two days and I've almost doubled my reviews. It makes me feel so happy…-lost in a haze of bliss-

Y.F.F: -sweatdrop- Err…right. Anyway, thank you for the idea, I'm canned fruit. We really appreciate it. Hope ya don't mind if we tweak it a bit.

F.F: MY SLUMP IS GONE!! Yay. …

START -

Gaara struggled around in the bag, growling angrily as Gai and Lee carried him off to the Eyebrow Factory. They planned to get two big fuzzy red bushes to grow in place of Gaara's eyebrows, a thought that scared the Kazekage to no end.

'I've got to get out of here,' He thought, his eyes easily adapting to the dark. 'Lest my beautiful face be eaten by those horrible little monsters those two green clad idiots call eyebrows.'

The answer came to him soon. While he was in a Gaara-proof (with a little sticker on it that said, "Made in Taiwan") it wasn't a kunai-proof bag! Gaara took a kunai out of his holster and quickly cut through the bag. He fell out the bottom, and quickly rolled into a bush as he watched the two skip and jump down the street singing, "Zip A Dee doo da."

Fearing that they would soon know he wasn't there, he darted into the closest hiding spot possible, a deserted looking clan house. Sighing, he made his way through the place, noting how there were various blood stains on the wooden structures. It was until a snapping twig sounded somewhere down the street that Gaara realized that someone lived there.

And he ran into THE Sasuke Uchiha sniffling and crying in a pathetic ball on the ground, cursing his life, his brother and various fruits. Gaara blinked twice as he cursed a 'wretched pineapple,' to the pits of hell.

Sensing someone was there, Sasuke leapt to his feet and pointed a finger at Gaara. "You! Do not tell anyone what you saw here or there shall be one more to my 'Must Kill In Near Future' List!" the Uchiha exclaimed.

Gaara sighed. "Yeah, you're really getting far on that list. How many people have you killed so far? Oh yeah, that's right. None."

With that Sasuke started bursting into tears and Gaara sighed. An emotionally unstable Sasuke. Just what he needed. He shouldn't have been surprised by this, and really he wasn't. He was more…disturbed. Oh if the fans could see this pathetic man now, crying his eyes out all because he cut himself while peeling an apple. Which proved another point…

Gaara swelled out his chest. Only real men ate apples with the skin still on. That made Gaara a real man!!

Of course, that would also make Ino Yamanaka a real man too…which Gaara somehow didn't doubt.

"Fine then!" Sasuke said, drying his eyes and setting a 'I-Am-Going-To-Kill-You' glare on Gaara. Of course, his glare was nothing compared to Gaara's 'I-Am-Going-To-Kill-You-By-Ripping-Out-Your-Entrails-And-Wrapping-Them-Around-Your-Neck-Screaming-Christmas-Carols' glare. "If you can kill me, then you can tell people that I'm just a wimp."

Gaara sweatdropped. If he killed Sasuke, which he totally could, there really would be no point telling anyone that he was a wimp. I mean, they wouldn't be able to confirm it since Sasuke would be dead and all.

"But you have to use this!" Sasuke tossed Gaara a loaded gun. Gaara simply stared down at it. "If you can shoot me, which you can't, then you can tell people. If not, then you can't tell anyone!"

Gaara sighed. "I'm not going to kill you Uchiha." After all, Gaara was the Kazekage, and if he murdered Sasuke then Tsunade would get mad and there would be another war and blah blah blah.

Of course, none of that was really important.

"Shoot me!" Sasuke's eyes watered. He was going to cry again. Gaara groaned.

"No."

"Shoot me!"

"No!"

"SHOOT ME FOR THE LOVE OF NARUTO!!" Sasuke yelled.

"Fine! Wait, what?" Gaara asked blinking multiple times. However his finger twitched at hearing Sasuke's last comment.

The bullet went flying at Sasuke in slow motion. A screaming could be heard, and suddenly there was a blond blur flying in front of him.

It was a girl, with long blond hair tied into two pigtails, with bright violet eyes, a tiny mini skirt that covered absolutely nothing, and a tight shirt with gigantic boobs.

Her name was Mary-Sue #895.6, and Itachi had killed her clan. She was the sister of Kakashi, was Sasuke's age due to the fact that she was a demon and didn't age as fast. She and Sasuke were engaged because of some treaty that didn't exist, and her Kekkei Genkai was that she was able to do every jutsu. She had an affair with Neji for the longest time until she realized she was married to Sasuke, then she and Sakura fought over him for his love and she got kidnapped by Orochimaru but was saved by Itachi and…

Yeah, you get my point.

Anyway, Mary-Sue #895.6, jumped in front of Sasuke, using herself as a human shield. Gaara's jaw dropped open as he watched the scene in slow motion as she fell to the ground, blood pouring out of her chest. She looked up towards Sasuke, who was simply staring at Gaara with a smirk on his face.

"Sasuke…my love!" Mary-Sue #895.6 said as she held out a hand towards Sasuke's face. In her mind he was crouched down next to her, though when in reality he and Gaara were poking her with sticks. "I'm sorry…our love could not be! Even though I am perfect in everyway and am not human and could easily survive a bullet shot that wasn't even fatal and could probably be removed, I am going to die! Oh Sasuke! Don't wait for me! Find someone new…"

"So, then I said to him, I said," Sasuke said as he and Gaara sat down, drinking tea while waiting for Mary-Sue #895.6 to die so they could kick her body some.

"GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD!!" With that Mary-Sue #895.6 died. And the world was a better place.

Anyway, after finishing their tea, both shinobi jumped back and pointed at each other.

"I cannot die!" Sasuke proclaimed with an arrogant smirk. "I have over a million fangirls, fanboys, and Mary-Sues that would come to my rescue! As well as various woodland creatures like whales and dolphins!"

Gaara didn't really want to point out the fact that whales and dolphins weren't woodland creatures, so he just let it slide like a little kid on a Slip-N-Slide.

"Oh youthful Gaara? Where did you go?" a voice called at the end of the compound.

Gaara's eyes widened. "Damn! Got to go! Bye Sir. Cries-A lot," With that Gaara hightailed it out of there, leaving a dead Mary-Sue #895.6, a crying Sasuke, and a very confused Rock Lee.

Elsewhere –

Mary-Sue #895.6 awoke to find herself floating in the clouds…when suddenly a meteor out of space crashed down on her, killing her for a second time before sending her to Mary-Sue Hell where she talked and chatted with Mary-Sue #0.0 to Mary-Sue #895.59.

--

F.F: Eh heh, yep. I kinda like this chapter. Anyway, thank you so much for the idea! It really gave me inspiration. I think I'll have him crash into Naruto next. Tell me what you think! R&R!


	8. Conniving Elmos and the Pineapple

F.F: I liiiiiiveeee!!!

Y.F.F: We've been too lazy to update recently, but finally we were inspired by a local restaurant called the Oyster Cabin's Going out of business that we decided to update.

F.F: And it has nothing to do with oysters!!

Y.F.F: Oh, to answer Klutzilla01's question, a Mary-Sue is an original character who is

perfect in every way and needs to DIE.

F.F: Yes…they need to burn in the fiery pits of hell. But remember folks, not all Original Characters are Mary-Sues!

Y.F.F: Anyway, enjoy the fic, and the extra at the end…

F.F: Yes! dtoda inspired us to write about why Sasuke was cursing a pineapple…

Y.F.F: Oh, and we're very sorry to son13…we didn't mean to send you to the hospital.

Gaara dashed into the closest door to escape from the grasps of the green clad men. With a sigh, he turned to face the inside of the room. If Gaara had eyebrows, they would be disappearing into his hairline right now, for in the room was a simply bulb, Naruto dressed up in a pinstripe suit and hat, and something tied to a wooden chair in the middle.

"Not talkin', ey?" Naruto asked in a rather phony Italian accent. He struck whoever was sitting in the chair.

"I'm elmo!" the doll chimed, causing Gaara's hand to reach for the doorknob. Before he could make his escape, he heard Lee and Gai on the other side, and decided to stay and watch this.

"Where's my money, you red furred freak?" Naruto asked as he circled the chair. "You owe me $5,000 from the Game of Life we were playing last week. You didn't think I'd forget, did you? So where's my money?!"

Naruto struck the elmo doll once more, in which the doll started to laugh. Gaara slowly inched along the side of the room, intent on making it to the window. However Naruto saw him, and there was an awkward pause between them.

Quickly, Naruto shoved the doll into the closet, turned on all the lights and pinned Gaara to the wall. Blinking curiously at the blonde's sudden anger, Gaara rose a make believe eyebrow at him. Oh how Gaara mourned the fact that he no longer had eyebrows thanks to that rocket incident…

Did they even have rockets?

"You won't tell anyone what you saw here, kapische (sp?)?" Naruto said, still in his Italian accent.

"Riight…" Gaara. "I just dashed in here to hide from Gaara and Lee."

"Oh! So that's why you're here, believe it!" Naruto said, back to his normal self. "Man, they're after you too, believe it!"

"Too? What do you mean too?" Gaara's eye twitched at the horrible dubbed Naruto who kept uttering believe it's.

"Everyone's after you, believe it!" Naruto nodded. "I mean, believe it, but everyone wants to offer you dating advice, believe it! Say, who exactly is it that you like, believe it?"

Gaara looked back and forth, a slight blush dusting his features. He coughed and then mumbled it. Naruto's eyebrows knitted together, and for a moment Gaara had the urge to rip them off and tape them to his own forehead. He could imagine himself…skipping through a field of flowers with blonde eyebrows duct taped to his forehead…

"I like…"

At that moment there was a loud bang, a nuclear explosion, an alien invasion, and a car crash also known as Sakura in a Blender, thus no one was able to hear who or what Gaara liked.

"I see," Naruto nodded. "Good choice."

"I thought so," Gaara nodded as well. "Anyway…I'd best be off. Don't want to … distract you from your interrogation any further."

Naruto's eyes darkened. "Gaara, whatever you do…don't lend money to Elmos. They're a conniving bunch…snide, foul, money grabbing thieves who will not rest a moment until they've sucked you dry of money!!"

Gaara blinked at the many double meanings of the sentence before walking out of the apartment through the window. As he jumped from roof to roof, a though occurred to him, and Gaara paused for a moment.

"Wait…Naruto knows a word like conniving?" Gaara shook his head. He must be going crazy.

F.F: Short chapter, I know. Well, let's just hope that Sasuke's sob story will take up some more space. XP

It was during the winter of 1843, and Sasuke Uchiha returned home with the milk from town that his beloved wife had requested he get. Of course, since they lived far from civilization, atop a large mountain to be specific, it had taken him nearly a month to get there and back.

Thus his milk had spoiled many a time, and forced him to trek down the mountain and buy some more milk. But he would do anything for his beloved wife.

"Penelope! I'm home!" Sasuke called as he burst through the door, his cheeks rosy with cold and delight at seeing his loving wife again. "I've brought you the milk you requested!"

Bursting into his room, he gasped as he let the jug of milk drop to the floor. For there…underneath the sheets of his bed, was his beloved Penelope, with Fred, their neighbor who lived about twenty five miles from them.

"You!" Sasuke said, his eyes pouring down fountains of tears. "HOW COULD YOU!? I THOUGHT WE WERE POKER BUDDIES!"

Fred said nothing, for alas, he was simply an apple with a smiley face and a mustache painted on it with a marker. Penelope stood smiling back at him. Unlike Fred, she did not have a permanent marker face. Her rough hide had proved too hard for Sasuke to draw on, thus he had stick gummies to her instead.

"I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!!" Sasuke bawled as the pieces of fruit stared ahead. "Why?! Why!!! All you pineapples are the same!"

And this is why Sasuke was cursing a 'wretched pineapple' in the previous chapter. His heart was so full of pain that he sometimes cannot contain his emotions for his wife…who had proven useful in a delicious fruit salad that everyone enjoyed.

Chapter sucked. Please R&R! I really really really really really need ideas! So please, no matter how stupid you think they are, send them in! I'll give you credit…and a cookie!


	9. Reviewer Ideas Part 1

F.F: -sniffles- So many ideas!!! I love them all!!!

Y.F.F: …This is going to be a special chapter dedicated to all of those who gave us an idea with the last ten reviews we've gotten.

F.F: Oh, and Hilarious Tragedy, there is never such a thing as being too random! I'd also like to thank I'm canned fruit, because I love your idea as well!!

Y.F.F: Wow. You must be really psyched if you're updating only a few days. Usually you update years between.

F.F: -sigh- I know. I just realize what I'm doing to these poor and slightly insane people.

Y.F.F: And what is that?

F.F: Keeping them from laughing! I know what it's like to have stories added to your favorites list, and every day you check it, hoping, praying, that the author added a new chapter! And before you know it, weeks, months, years pass! And it's always on Chapter 18!! Always!! It was like, the best story ever and suddenly the author STOPPED!!!

Y.F.F: Uhm…yeeaah…. On with the story.

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Gaara landed on the side of building, his shoulders slouched and a heavy sigh wracking his body. His hand slowly ran over the small edge of his skull right were one's eyebrows should have been. His fingers made no contact with the coarse hair and he let a solitary tear slip from his turquoise eyes.

How come he didn't have eyebrows?

Kankuro and Temari had eyebrows! They had beautiful eyebrows! They were fluffy, and pointy and pretty and right above their eyes! No matter how hard Gaara wished, it just seemed that no eyebrows would grow on his face. He hung his head.

"Well, well, well, look whose the cry baby now," Sasuke smirked as he walked up beside the gourded youth. "And what is itty bitty Gaara crying about."

"I…I have no eyebrows…" Gaara sniffed as he looked up at Sasuke miserably, his hand covering his brow so that no one would see that he was indeed eyebrowless.

Sasuke's face softened as he knelt by Gaara. He rested a hand on his shoulder and looked at the boy with rather compassionate eyes. Inwardly, Gaara was freaking out. Why was Sasuke acting as though he was sexually interested in him? Gaara shuddered. He was straight.

Elsewhere…

Many yaoi fangirls and fanboys commited a mass suicide because in a press conference with Kishimoto Masashi, he admitted that Gaara was not gay.

Back with Sasuke and Gaara…

"I may have a solution to your problem," Sasuke. "Follow me!!!" Sasuke threw a rainbow out of his sleeve which the two hopped on. With much 'whee-ing' and knocking the stupid kids eating skittles of their rainbow slide, they made it to a large black pot at the other end.

Sasuke reached inside of the pot and pulled out a magic marker. It shone with all the glory of the heavens and crap as Sasuke pulled the lid off and ordered Gaara to stay still. With two quick strokes, Sasuke smirked and stepped back, admiring his work. He pulled a mirror out of his back pocket (He always carried one with him to make sure is hair was in place), he showed Gaara.

Gaara squealed uncharacteristically with joy as he saw the two, Gai-brow like eyebrows on his forehead. Though the smell of the permanent marker was going to make him pass out, he was happy! After all, he had eyebrows! And not just any eyebrows, big bush eyebrows that just might beat Gai and Lee's eyebrows in the annual Shinobi Eyebrow Contest!

One moment while I point something out to all of you 4

F.F: Alright, before I start the next paragraph, I have to tell everyone something that's been getting on my nerves for a while. The demon inside of Gaara is Shukaku. SHUKAKU. Not Shikaku! Shikaku is the name of Shikamaru's dad, not the demon inside of Gaara. It would be very funny if Shikamaru's father's soul was sealed inside of Gaara, but that is not the case. The demon's name is SHUKAKU….with a U….like….UVULA!!!

4 Back to the story 4

Shukaku stirred deep within Gaara as he felt his host's sudden giddiness. He gasped as he watched through Gaara's eyes as he jumped and leapt uncharacteristically around a field of conveniently placed flower.

He gasped with horror! This was ruining his image! Quickly he began to attack Gaara's mind until he fell unconscious.

Slowly the sand from his gourd wrapped around his body and he turned into a giant panda…raccoon-dog…emu thing. With that he began a mad rampage.

"Mama mia!" Mario said as he abandoned his spaghetti and rushed down the street. "Bowser's back! I cannot a let a him a capture a Princess Peach a….again a!"

Shukaku stopped as he stared at the plate of spaghetti. Shukaku liked spaghetti. Tying on an oversized bib, he sat down on the chair and began to dig in.

"Don't eat me!" the spaghetti screamed. "Gaara! Gaara I know you're in there! Take back control!! I know you can do it!"

Gaara shook his head and slowly began to fight off the spirit of Shukaku in an epic Star Wars styled fight. Light saber's crashed as they fought fiercely. At long last Shukaku had Gaara dangling off the edge.

"Gaara," Shukaku said, "I am your father's mother's brother's sister's cousin's friend's uncle's cousin's son's former roommate!"

Gaara blinked. "What does that make us?"

"NOTHING!!! LIKE YOU'RE GOING TO BE!! BWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!" Shukaku chuckled.

"Spaghettic Entry!" The spaghetti said as it flew at Shukaku and covered the sand demon in his noodly goodness. "Fear me! For I am the Flying Spaghetti Monster of the religion Pastafarian!" (1)

"Nooo!!!" Shukaku cried as he let Gaara regain control, letting him melt back to normal.

"Thank you, Flying Spaghetti Monster," Gaara bowed. "I am forever in your debt."

Sasuke ran up, puffing and huffing. "What's going on? Wait…is that the Flying Spaghetti Monster?!"

The Spaghetti gulped as Sasuke began to chase it around shouting, "YOU OWE ME MONEY!"

Gaara yelped as he watched the two circle him continuously. Suddenly from down the street ran Elmo, chased by an angry Naruto.

Gaara wasn't sure what happened, but he was positive it went something like this. Sasuke was chasing the Flying Spaghetti Monster because it owed him money, and Elmo was chasing Sasuke because he wanted to have hot passionate buttsecks with him. Naruto was chasing Elmo because he owned him money, but also because he was trying to get dips on his Sasuke. And The Flying Spaghetti Monster was chasing Naruto because he didn't like the color orange.

Slowly and carefully removing himself from the fracas, Gaara headed towards a quieter place. After all, the commotion would cause a couple of green suited freaks to come and investigate. He rounded the corner and felt his breath catch in his throat.

There she was, her finger pointed to her lip, in deep thought as she stared at the variety of bread. The one he had pursued so fruitlessly. He stood on his tippy toes trying to get a better look at her…but just as he caught a glimpse of her hair a newspaper flew into his face. Gaara groaned and pulled the paper away, before trying to find her again, but she was gone.

Gaara groaned as he looked at the paper that dare get in the way of his sight of his beautiful –

"WHAT? SUNGAKURE NO SATO: PROSTITUTION CAPITAL OF THE WORLD?!" Gaara cried out in shock. He hadn't even been gone for a day and already everything had gone down hill! He would have to save his quest for later, at the moment he needed to get home!

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F.F: Sorry I couldn't fit all of your wonderful ideas in this chapter! I promise DarkAmber112 and I'm canned fruit that your ideas will be in the next chapter! Remember, most of the ideas in this chapter are not mine, but some are. So, claim them as you see fit. R&R!! Remember, I like Reviews!

1) I swear to God. Go on Google and type in the words, Pastafarian or Flying Spaghetti Monster. Click on the Wikipedia link and you'll find it's a real religion! I WANNA CONVERT!!


	10. When You've Got It, Flaunt It

F.F: -dead-

Y.F.F: She's dead, dear readers. Why, you would probably like to know.

F.F: I…I….-revives- I HAVE OVER A HUNDRED REVIEWS! OASNFVJAKSGCXJKASHFKJASLFHK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! –dies-

Y.F.F: Uhm…yeeah….that's why. Anyway, we'd like to thank psychicchipmunk for being our 100th review. So we've decided to give her a cookie. However, since the image to text converter has no use on Fanfiction, we are unable to show you our delight.

F.F: Yes, so we must simply deal with giving her a make believe cookie.

Story starts Here:

Gaara flew back to Suna with the wind on his heels, cursing Kankuro and his ability to mess things up within a day of his absence. Honestly, couldn't Kankuro keep things in order for a day? With a sigh, Gaara vowed to leave Temari in charge the next time he had to leave his office for more than a few seconds.

Not to mention that this was a major drawback in his plan. Yes, Gaara had a plan. It's called, "Winging It." You see, since Gaara was in Konoha, he might as well tell (Insert her name here because I'm evil) that he liked her and would like to go on a date with her. Now he would be forced to go all the way back to Suna, then sit there like a sitting duck until he gathered enough courage to get himself back to Konoha.

At long last he arrived in his village, and his eye twitched when he saw the street lined with prostitutes. And not the mildly posh looking ones…the really fat, ugly, I-Didn't-Know-They-Made-Thongs-That-Big prostitutes. His eye twitched as he headed into the village, trying his best to ignore them.

He found Kankuro in the middle of the fray, in a kitty costume that he had probably ripped off of Catwoman. Again, Gaara found his eye twitching uncontrollably. So far he'd dealt with Kankuro and Temari's sudden interest in music, Deidara's urge to dance, Kisame and his chum, The Green Monsters of Terror, better known as Gai and Lee, Jiraiya cosplaying as Santa, a ridiculously emotional Sasuke, Naruto interrogating Elmo, and a place of Spaghetti that talked. Now this. And no…that whole paragraph was not an excuse to summarize the whole story up until now.

Couldn't a guy just get a break once in a while?

With a sigh, Gaara grabbed his brother's shoulder, squeezing it until his knuckles turned white. Kankuro flinched as he slowly turned to face Gaara, a sheepish smirk on his face at the look of pure fury on his young brother's face.

"Hey…Gaara," Kankuro greeted. "I didn't expect you to be back so soon."

Gaara growled. "Kankuro…I've been gone a day and I find this," He shoved the newspaper article in Kankuro's face, "in the streets of Konoha. What in bloody hell did you do?"

Kankuro sighed, prying his brother's hand off his shoulder and stepping back. "Me and Temari were talking, and we started to talk about overly obese people. You know…the really really really really really really really fat people who look like they have three stomachs…and when they go to the beach, you know?

Gaara rose a make believe eyebrow.

"They were tiny bikinis…ones that you don't want to see on a large chick, right?" Kankuro continued. "So, we started talking about why skinnier people around these parts don't flaunt their looks like that. So, we came up with a policy in Suna while you were away…"

"And what kind of Policy is this?" Gaara demanded.

"When you've got it, flaunt it," Kankuro began singing. Gaara smacked his head. Another musical! "Step right up and strut your stuff!" Kankuro continued, strutting across the road with his butt sticking out in an obnoxious way. "People tell you modesty's a virtue, but in the theatre modesty can hurt you!"

"We're not in a theatre!" Gaara groaned.

"When you got it, flaunt it! Show your assets, let them know you're proud! Your goodies you must push, stick out your chest, shake your tush!" Kankuro said, thrusting his butt out further and throwing his shoulders back before proceeding to wiggle. Gaara felt the urge to vomit. "When you got it, shout it out loud! Now Kankuro dance!"

Gaara blinked. "Why are we suddenly speaking in the third person?" Gaara sighed, this was no use.

After Kankuro's little dance, which looked like a chicken on crack, he continued, "When you got it, show it. Put your hidden treasures on display. Violinists love to play an E-string, but audiences really love a G-string!"

"NOT YOURS!" Gaara yelled as he shielded his eyes when Kankuro began to pull his skirt down. "ARGH!"

"When you got it! Shout it! Let the whole would hear what you're about! Clothes may make the man, all a girl needs is a tan! When you've got it, shout it out loud!! Gaara, remember when Kankuro dance?"

"I'd rather forget," Gaara groaned.

"Kankuro dance again!" Kankuro began to do the love child of the Macerena and the Boogie. At last he continued. "When I was just a little girl in Sweden…"

"Somehow I'm not surprised that you were a little girl in Sweden, Kankuro," Gaara sighed, rubbing his temples.

"My thoughtful mother gave me this advice," Kankuro nodded, placing his hands on his hips as several prostitutes nodded. "If nature blesses you from top to bottom, show that top to bottom, don't think twice!"

"These women were blessed with McDonalds," Gaara muttered under his breath.

"Now Kankuro belt!" Kankuro cleared his throat. "DON'T THINK TWICE!! WHEN YOU'VE GOT IT, SHARE IT!! Let the public feast upon your charms!"

"What charms?" Gaara asked, noting the blood dripping out of his ears.

"People say that being prim is proper," Kankuro continued, him and the rest of the girls going into some kind of Spice Girls dance routine. "But every showgirl knows that prim will stop her! If you've got it, give it! Don't be selfish, give it all away!!"

Gaara backed away slowly from Kankuro. "I don't want anything you have to give me…seriously…"

"Don't be shy, be cold and cute, show the boys your birthday suit. When you got it!!! ONCE YOU GOT IT, SHOUT OUT HOORAY!!!"

"TEMARI!!" Gaara yelled, turning to find Temari drinking Lemonade with a little umbrella in it. "You take care of this! I'm going back to Konoha!" With that Gaara left his village, hoping Temari would be able to make some sense of what just happened there.

F.F: Whoo hoo! There's the chapter. If you don't know, the song that Kankuro was singing was, "When You've Got it, Flaunt it," sung by a Swedish woman named Oola in the musical, The Producers. Watch it, it's good! Until next time, R&R s'il vous plait!


	11. Neji Hyuuga's Sure Fire Pick Up Lines

Announcer: And back with our hostess with the mostesses, F.F and Y.F.F!

Audience: -claps-

F.F: Since when have we had an announcer?

Y.F.F: Since when have we had a live studio audience?

F.F: Maybe it's because we know people like our story?

Y.F.F: -Shrugs-

F.F: Thanks to all who reviewed! Reviews are my life source…I thrive on them. Feed me reviews and I will live to write more random chapters than ever!

MOOOOOOOOO

The trip back to Konoha was uneventful, though Gaara did find himself thrown into a Disney Musical many times during those lonely nights…like that one time when he suddenly started singing a beautiful rendition of, "I'll Make a Man out of You," from the movie Mulan.

As he neared Konoha's gate, he heard grunting from a nearby clearing. Deciding that it was some shinobi training, he curiously headed over. He felt his blood freeze in his veins. It was Neji, training as hard as he possibly could. Gaara quickly looked around for anything that said, "Property of Maito Gai," and sighed when he realized it was the real Neji.

"I see you," Neji replied with a snort as he hit the log. "And you call yourself a ninja?"

Gaara rolled his eyes.

"I heard about your problem," Neji said, causing Gaara to freeze in his tracks. Where had he heard that line before? "I'm going to offer you advice. It will help you in your pursuit of insert name here."

Gaara paused, glancing at Neji before slowly taking as eat underneath a tree. He could trust the Hyuuga prodigy, right?

"There's one thing that every man needs to know," Neji said as he paced back and forth. "It is vital…for your survival…" Neji said, donning Crocodile Dundee clothing.

Gaara blinked. Yep, everyone in this world was insane. He was the only one with a shred of sanity left in this crazy, crazy world…

Oh, if only he knew…

"You need to know…pick up lines," Neji said in a whisper. Gaara blinked. "Yes! Pick up lines! They're vital for any man to go and pick up the girl of his dreams! At the club, on the streets, heck, even in the office! Pick up lines, everything a man needs to know!"

Gaara blinked.

"And for 5 easy payments of $99.99, you can purchase this book!" Neji said, pulling a book out of seemingly nowhere. "Neji Hyuuga's Sure Fire Pick Up Lines! Within this four thousand and twenty six page book, you too can be as suave as everyone's favorite Branch-House member!"

Gaara felt the urge to hurl.

"Yes! For 5 easy payments of $99.99, your dating problem could be over!" Neji grinned as he flipped open his book. "Woo women with charming lines like, 'Hey, do you want me in your chakra holes?' or, 'What a lovely set of kunai you have.' And many others!"

Gaara twitched. If he said any of that to anyone, he was sure that he'd be dead many times over.

"Also, if you order your Neji Hyuuga's Sure Fire Pick Up Lines now, you could get a free Walrus!" Neji pointed towards the walrus that sat behind the poles. How did Gaara not notice that before? "So call (1) 800-867-5309! Again that's, (1) 800-867-5309! (1) 800-867-5309, and you too could be as suave as Neji Hyuuga!"

By then Gaara had high tailed it out of there, not wanting to hear Neji boast the stupid number, or how great this stupid book was. Honestly, Gaara would just have a better change of getting together with her using his silly poems than using Neji's pick up lines! Honestly, 'What a lovely set of kunai you have?' Even Kankuro could come up with something more clever!

Shaking his head, Gaara entered the gates.

Audience: And that's the end of our show!

F.F: Err…thank you. Again, read and review! And don't forget to give me any random ideas you may (or may not) have!


	12. Of Rent and Slumber Parties

F.F: Spweeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!

Y.F.F: Yuh…strange one.

F.F: Sorry. I'm just really, really happy. You see, the word of my story is spreading…like this poison oak I have. –scratches-

Y.F.F: Hey, hey, hey! Don't come near me with that! Anyway, we'd like to thank everyone for reviewing. Oh, Venny9o6 and DJ Max, we're using your ideas.

Gaara simply couldn't believe it. He had just stepped through the gates, and was already running from Lee, Gai, and half of Konoha. His legs were tired due to the unusual amount of running he was doing. He needed to get back in shape…being Kazekage and sitting on his butt all day wasn't good for his health.

Or his mind, as he discovered when he worked late nights and saw dancing penguins outside his window.

…

Little did he know that Kankurou had a large collection of penguin puppets behind his Barbie Doll collection.

Err…anyway…

Gaara had dashed into the nearest building, a run down old warehouse from the looks of it. Racing up the stairs, he just managed to pull a door aside and collapse inside, breathing heavily as the 'Help Gaara' mob sprinted by.

The room he stood in was fairly empty, except for some furniture and Kisame attempting to write music on what looked like a fishbone xylophone. As he turned to leave, the door slammed open once more, and Itachi stormed in, eviction notices in his hands.

He growled as he grabbed a trash can and threw the notices in. "How do you document real life when real life is getting more like fiction each day? Headlines -- bread-lines; blow my mind and now this deadline 'Eviction -- or pay' Rent!"

Gaara groaned. If he knew his musicals correctly…he shrugged. At least this song was catchy. Actually, he had it as is ring tone, and late at night when he had a bout of insomnia, he would turn it on and dance.

Kisame growled, smashing his fish bone xylophone (Rhyme!) and singing, "How do you write a song when the chords sound wrong; though they once sounded right and rare. When the notes are sour, where is the power you once had to ignite the air?"

"And we're hungry and frozen!" Itachi roared.

Kisame laughed. "Some life that we've chosen!"

Gaara hummed the next part to himself.

"How we gonna pay? How we gonna pay? How we gonna pay last year's rent?" Itachi and Kisame sang in perfect harmony.

Since this author is feeling rather lazy, that's all of the song we're going to put in there, because at that moment Sasuke decided to crash the party, and Gaara made his escape. He walked down the hall, and his heart stopped.

He saw her…she was absolutely beautiful. She held a pillow under her arm and was entering an apartment, Gaara shifted to the side. It looked like Ino's. Gaara continued to lean, trying to catch a glimpse of her before the door slammed shut with a snap.

Gaara screamed like a girl when he turned over his shoulder to see Naruto grinning at him with a flashlight under his chin.

"So, you wanna spy on the girls' slumber party?" Naruto asked. Neji stood behind him, as well as Lee who had given up his chasing Gaara to spy on the slumber party.

"Yes," Gaara said without a thought.

"Good, we set up base. Follow mee!" Naruto sang as he skipped down the hall into another empty apartment. Everyone followed after the blonde, and soon found themselves seated before a monitor.

"Such horrible quality," Neji sighed, rolling his eyes. "I could do so much better…"

"Then show us!" Lee replied, shoving a cable into the back of Neji's head. Lee then connected it to the computer as Neji began making beeping noises.

Slowly, an image materialized on the screen as there was a clear view of the girl's living room, in color!

"Like, oh my God," Sakura drawled. "I was like Oh my God! And she was like, oh my God, and we were all like…OH MY GOD!"

"Like, wow, that is like, so like…like!" Ino replied.

Gaara sweat dropped, as did every other man in the room.

"I can't speak women," Naruto replied. "How do we know what they're saying?"

"A squirrel through an acorn at Sakura's head," Lee translated. "Ino said that the same squirrel was spying on her in the shower." A very sly look came across Lee's face. "Ino takes long showers…."

Everyone inched away from Lee, except for Neji who was kind of stuck to the T.V.

Gaara ignored the rest of the conversation as Lee began to ramble off all the languages he could speak. She was so close…in the next room! Only Gaara's nervousness prevented him from running there.

Of course, he didn't know about the brilliant ploy that was happening before his very eyes. While everyone in the room didn't seem to concerned about Gaara, they were all watching him carefully.

Every girl in that room knew that they were being spied on, and the boys would observe Gaara to figure out who he liked. Neji would focus in on the girls individually while Lee and Naruto used the, 'How-Many-Langauges-Lee-Speaks' ploy as a disguise to watch him.

"No way…" Neji muttered as Naruto started doing the chicken dance. It meant they found her. The image suddenly went blank. "No…way…"

Gaara snapped out of his trance. "What!?"

"I can't believe you like – " Lee began.

Yes, how easily could I make Lee finish that sentence. But what if my faithful readers don't like the pairing? Oh dear, this is rather unfortunate. Shall I post pone the inevitable? Should I make you wait another month (A/N: OO; a REALLY BIG BUG just flew at the screen and scared the shit out of me) until I decide to update again?

I think so….

F.F: Don't kill me! R &R!


	13. The Ultimate Shipping War Begins!

F.F: -dodges flying projectiles- Alright! I'll update! I'll update!

Y.F.F: Oh! They throw 12-inch sharp pointy objects at you because they care!

F.F: Well, apparently not about my safety. c.c

Y.F.F: Pssh. Anyway, thank you all for threatening Alex into getting her lazy ass into creating another chapter!

F.F: Yesh, believe it or not your threats made me feel loved. My randomosity meter is running low, and I have a really really bad allergic reaction to some poison oak/sumac, so I'll try my best to make this chapter a bit longer, and more random, than the last.

Y.F.F: Well, it's the moment of truth! The mystery girl will be revealed! Now let us stop stalling and commence!

F.F: -head of heroically into the sunset?-

Story Starts…

HERE!!

"Hinata?" Everyone in the room chorused together.

Elsewhere, bets were being made. Tsunade lost over 1,000 bucks to Jiraiya, Gai was kicking himself having handed over his collection of porn to Kakashi, and fans of the story were sharpening their knives because they disliked the outcome.

Gaara froze, his eyes widening. How did they…this was a… He sprang to his feet and made for the door, however Neji jumped up and twirled in a circle. The T.V, one of those bulky, old ones, which was still attached to his head, was yanked from it's spot on the floor and smacked Gaara upside the head.

That's when all hell broke loose.

"Gaara and Hinata sitting in a tree!" Naruto and Lee sang. "F-U-C…"

The crash of the TV on Gaara head broke and cut off the rest of Naruto and Lee's song. After all, if I put the word fuchsia in here, I'd have to raise the rating, again.

"NO!" Neji screamed. He donned a white porcelain mask from out of no where and put it on the side of his face. "Let there be war upon you!"

Gaara would have instantly noted the line and mask from Phantom of the Opera, however he was too busy being unconscious to really understand what was going on. In his half-conscious state, he was dreaming about riding on a pink unicorn named Jed.

"This is bad!" Lee said suddenly. "Besides Sakura, Hinata is one of the fans favorite pairings! Nearly every character has been paired up with her!"

There was silence in the room as Gaara sang, I'm a Little Teapot. Hey, he's still delirious!

"So that means…" Naruto began slowly…

Everyone looked at each other, then at Gaara. A shiver visibly passed through everyone…Naruto x Hinata was a favorite, not to mention Hyuugacest, even some fluffy stories had been written about Lee x Hinata. And that's not counting Hinata x Akatsuki, Hinata x Orochimaru, Hinata x Sasuke, Hinata x Ino, Hinata x Sakura, Hinata x Jiraiya…etc, etc.

"SHIPPING WAR!" Everyone screamed.

The echoes carried all throughout the ninja land. All Hinata lover's head snapped up and ran as fast as they could to Konoha. Even Zabuza and Haku jumped out of their graves! Yes, it was the Naruto World's Ultimate Shipping War.

Gaara's mind cleared, and he found the room tense with … tenseness. It was so tense that you could cut it with a knife! Thinking this over, Gaara produced a kunai and slowly cut out a circular piece of the tenseness and ate it.

He shivered. The tenseness told him everything. He had disrupted the natural way of life…the unspoken law that Hinata was to only be admired from afar. He slowly inched towards the door. He had to get out of here before the shipping war started! Gaara's hand was merely inches from the door, when he stopped.

A disembodied voice appeared.

"Gaara, are you a man or a mouse?" It asked as the world around him seemed to freeze. Lights seemed to shine from the heavens onto Gaara's still form.

"Actually, I'm a raccoon-dog," Gaara shrugged. "That's what the Ultimate Naruto Guide said."

"Well then, are you a raccoon or a dog? You can't be both!" The voice, which I have decided belongs to that guy on All That who does the, "Know Your Stars" skit…the good old one though. Not the one with all those new retarded teens. I'm talking about the one with Keenan and Kell….

Err…back on subject.

"Are you simply going to stand by watching idly while your beloved Hinata is snatched from your grasp?" the voice asked.

Gaara puffed out his chest. "I will not stand for that! Hinata is mine!"

"Then you will join this Shipping War! You will conquer her heart!" It continued.

Gaara stood up taller. "Yeah!"

"You will show everyone that only you are for Hinata!" It continued.

This is where you insert dramatic music into the background. Preferably something inspirational, like the Rocky Theme Song…or something…the Macarena works fine too though.

"Yeah!" Gaara pumped his fist into the air.

"You will gouge out their eyes and use them as ear plugs!" The voice continued.

"Yeah! Wait, what?" Gaara's eyes widened.

"You will decapitate the competition and put them on stakes outside your office to warn all who pass that Hinata is yours!" The voice's voice seemed to get more enthusiastic.

"Err….that might be a bit much," Gaara blinked. "Their severed heads might bleed on the carpet."

"You will tie Hinata down and have many little Hinata/Gaara babies until you have a whole army of them!" The voice was getting really excited now.

Gaara seemed to actually ponder this for a moment. "Nah, I don't think I have enough sperm for that many babies."

The voice ignored him. "You'll have so many babies! Four hundred babies!" He then went into the Powerthirst commercial on Youtube. Seriously guys, you need to watch it. It's top notch. "Give Shocolate to your babies and they'll run abnormally fast! They'll run as fast as Kenyans! People will mistake them for Kenyans! They'll race against actual Kenyans! And they'll tie against actual Kenyans and be deported back to Kenya!!"

Gaara blinked. "Where's Kenya?"

The voice shrugged. "Africa…I think…that or it's somewhere on Mars… Anyway, that is not the point! You must use all that you have learned in your journey, young grasshopper. You must seduce the young Hinata Hyuuga, the future lies in your hands." Then it faded out all mysterious like.

The world returned back to normal, and Gaara stood tall and proud. Yes, he, Kazekage of Sungakure no Satou would woo his shy little flower to him! She would not be able to stand his charm and charisma! He would win the shipping war!

There was a blinding flash of light, and suddenly all of the Hinata pairings were placed in a Gladiator type ring. Seated in an announcer booth was a fox demon named Koto. If you've ever watched Yu Yu Hakusho, the Dark Tournament Arc, you'll know who I mean. If not, look her up.

"Welcome Hinata fans!" She said. "To the First Annual Hinata Shipping War!"

The crowd of rabid fans went wild, as expected.

"In this arena, the noble shinobi of the Naruto universe will fight for the love of one Hinata Hyuuga! They come from all over folks, and each as their own special nasty attacks! You can expect to see some blood shed!" Koto sang happily.

A lizard woman, also from YYH Dark Tournament Arc, nodded. She would be commentating from the ring below. "That's right, Koto!" Juri said with a grin. "Many fine shinobi shall die or become mortally wounded as they fight for the opal eyed heiress! Hinata Hyuuga is so popular she makes even Paris Hilton jealous!"

"Fights will be set up in two, then must complete an impossible obstacle course! The winner will proceed to the next round, until only one man is standing!" Koto yelled above the crowd. "Who will win Hinata's heart? Only the finest shinobi! Now, everyone, let the Shipping War begin!"

F.F: Woot, five pages. Still not too long, but it's adequate.

Y.F.F: Alright, a big of disclaiming needs to be done. We do not own Naruto, Yu Yu Hakusho, or the fake energy drink, Powerthirst.

F.F: Seriously, thank you all for the wonderful reviews! Be sure to send me your ideas…remember, no idea is too random! Oh, and for the Ultimate Hinata Shipping Tourney, they won't just be fighting. Send in your ideas for random things that you want the Naruto characters to do!

Y.F.F: A chart will be posted next chapter so you know who will fight who!

F.F: R&R!!


	14. Marshmallow Overdose

F.F: -crying- Oh dear Kami, I'm so happy! Over 190 reviews!

Y.F.F: -nodnod- That's really hard to do. You should be proud of yourself.

F.F: I am! I want to thank everyone who reviewed! Thank you, thank you, thank you! Only in my wildest dreams did my story ever have more than 12! But I have nearly 200!

Y.F.F: Cookies to everyone who reviewed!

F.F: I also like to thank everyone for not eating me about what the pairing was. I was nervous about revealing it because…-shivers- I know how shipping wars can get.

Y.F.F: For those of you who don't know, shipping wars usually occur on forums, or when an author puts a pairing in a story that someone doesn't like. Someone complains about it, and then someone else backs the author up. Then someone else goes and backs up the other pairing, and soon you've got angry posts and reviews with everyone adding in what pairing should have been.

F.F: That's pretty much what a shipping war is. Anyway, thank you all for reviewing, And Flower of the Desert, we're using your ideas because they're funny.

Story starts here

Gaara sat with the other participants, off in a corner, wondering what exactly he had done. By breaking the untold rule, he'd started the Ultimate Hinata Shipping War. Or…UHSW, which was very hard to pronounce. Gaara spent a few minutes trying to pronounce said letters, but quickly gave up.

They were waiting around for something to happen, all the contestants in one room. There was Naruto, Neji, and Lee, all of whom had been in the room with Gaara when the war had started. There was also Haku and Zabuza, who were kind of rotting on the floor. It was highly unpleasant. Some people in Chocobo suits were spreading them with phoenix down, so they should stop rotting soon. There was also Itachi and Sasori, not to mention Deidara and some guy named Bob. Then there was Kakashi, Iruka, and Jiraiya, Gai-sensei, Ino, Sakura, and Tenten. Not to mention his own brother, (who was thankfully no longer dressed in drag), Ebisu and Sasuke. Last and least, there was also Orochimaru.

All in all, there were Twenty people who dared to fight for Hinata. Speaking of which…where was she? He frowned. He hadn't seen her since, eer…they'd all been transported to this strange arena. Gaara was concerned, he hoped he was alright.

"Okay, everyone!" Everyone turned to find Juri standing there, her hands on her hip and her reptilian ears twitching slightly. "Before we start, we need to do a test on all of you to make sure that none of you are using drugs!"

Neji scoffed. "Drugs? As in steroids?"

At this Sakura shifted uncomfortably. Ino noticed.

"You guilty, Billboard Brow?" Ino taunted.

Sakura snorted before saying in a rather manly voice, "I'm not using steroids!"

Juri rolled her eyes. "Anyway, we'll need a blood sample from all of you…" With the snap of her fingers, thousands of chibi Tsunade's charged at the group, sticking needles in people and drawing out blood.

There was much chaos as Gaara sat back and relaxed. None shall come near him with those needles! His sand would protect him! Of course, Shukaku wanted to see Gaara squirm, so he didn't protect him when a chibi Tsunade stabbed Gaara's special place with a needle, causing the Kazekage to cry out in pain and fall on the ground.

"It's just a needle," Sasuke rolled his eyes, having had his needle stuck in his arm.

Gaara managed to flip the birdie at Sasuke, who proceeded to burst out into tears.

They were left to wait once more, this time taunts were being thrown back and forth.

"I, of course, will win Hinata's hand in marriage," Neji drawled. "It was destined."

"Yeah well, I'm gonna win, Dattebayo!" Naruto replied. "But I'm not sure she even likes me…"

There was a really long pause in which everyone resisted the urge to dope smack Naruto.

"I will win," Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Because I'm emo."

Itachi scoffed. "She already has a pussy, she doesn't need another one."

At this Sasuke burst into tears and went all emo to the emo-corner.

"I like eggs," said Bob.

"I will win the heart of Hinata," It was Haku who spoke, and he had stopped decaying. "I will protect her, for she will be one of my precious person."

The, "I-Will-Win's" fluttered around the room, Gaara watching idly from the ground…he was still in pain. At last he stood and shouted at the top of his lungs, which was surprisingly loud.

"I will win!" He called. "Because this story is about me and my relationship problem! Not yours, or yours, or yours…."

Elsewhere…

Flutterfly glanced to Hinata who was idly sipping on her tea. "Gaara's so certain he'll win," She said as she picked at her nails.

"Well, the story is about him," Hinata replied, not even bothering to stutter. She was still in too much of a shock that there were so many people fighting over her. "It's only natural that he'll win."

Yami Flutterfly chuckled evilly. "We shall see…we shall see…."

Back to where the contestants are…

No one really knew what to say to Gaara's comment. Indeed, the fanfic that they were all in was called, "Gaara's Relationship Problem." A lightbulb went on in Kakashi's head.

"But…" he drawled as he turned the page of Ichi Ichi Paradise, which really had pictures of Hinata pasted over the words. "If it's your relationship [I problem[/I then wouldn't that mean you might not get the girl?"

"Oooh." Everyone cooed as Gaara fumed silently.

Juri reappeared, a frown on her face. "Alright, one of you has been over dosing on marshmallows."

There was a shocked gasp.

"Marshmallows?" Lee scoffed. "What an unyouthful thing to do!! Anyone who so much as even eats a marshmallow does not deserve the love of the fair and beautiful Hinata!"

Juri looked at her clip board. "Alright, will Iruka please step forward?"

Guiltily, Iruka stepped forward, hiding the bag of marshmallows behind his back. Oh, how could he have gotten caught? He was a teacher, and now everyone knew of his addiction? His eyes watered up…how would anyone look up to him now?

"As punishment," Juri continued. "You, Umino Iruka, will be forced to sit in a vat of ketchup for the entire Shipping War. Anyone who is disqualified has to sit in a vat of ketchup."

And so Iruka was hauled away and forced to sit in a vat of ketchup, often complaining about the fact that it squished in unpleasant places.

"Alright, now that we're all set," Juri said, clapping her hands together, "We're ready for the first round!"

Everyone was pooled back into the arena, at the head of which sat Hinata and these two authoresses as though they were royalty.

"Welcome to the first round of the Ultimate Hinata Shipping War!" Koto sang over the mic. "The first round is a singing contest! The order of the battles have been posted on the board!"

The board flickered to life, and slowly the pairings began to match up.

Naruto vs. Bob

Neji vs. Kakashi

Lee vs. Jiraiya

Gaara vs. Gai (Gaara shivered like crazy at this)

Haku vs. Ino

Zabuza vs. Tenten

Itachi vs. Ebisu

Sakura vs. Sasuke (Everyone wondered the outcome of this battle)

Deidara vs. Orochimaru

"Now that that's settled, let the first contestants step forward!" Koto held up her hand. "Naruto vs. Bob, you have to sing a song about Barbie! You have a few minutes to make up the lyrics! You may begin, now!"

F.F: And this is where I end it. Now, this is where it gets interesting. I want you people to vote on the winners of the battle. Remember, Gaara will ultimately be in the finals, so whichever one he's in, he will win. Now then…who do you want to win the Barbie Sing Off, Naruto or Bob?


	15. Author's Note: Sorry, I'm Discontinuing!

FF: … Erm…so does anyone remember that comment I made in Chapter 7 when I was all, "GRRR! PEOPLE WHO DON'T UPDATE SUCK LOLWHAT!?"

YFF: …Now you're the pot calling the kettle black.

FF: I haven't updated in TWO FREAKING YEARS! And here I am now, back from the dead!

YFF: And we have all who are still reading this crap to thank! She got a few reviews the other day and decided that it was a great time to restart this catastrophe.

FF: And now, I'm older, wiser, and can afford more drugs to make this story even whakier!

YFF: Oh, and we've also got the results of the Contest! It'll be a real surprise!

FF: Or not. And one more thing. WE BROKE 200 REVIEWS!! –balloons pop and stuff- THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH! WE WOULD TOTALLY GIVE YOU HUGS IF TRACKING YOU DOWN OVER THE INTERNET WAS NOT ILLEGAL!!!!

Disclaimer: ……….In the two years that I've been gone I still do not own Naruto or anything else for that matter.

On the last episode of Dragonball Z…

"Hey, everyone! Well, looks like those two minutes turned into two years!" Koto joked as she bit into her stress ball, thinking it was a watermelon, but it wasn't really and she ended up biting through it; has anyone wondered what's inside a stress ball?

"That's right, Koto! If they haven't made up some lyrics by now, then Naruto and Bob are screwed!" Juri agreed.

"So, in a huge apology to all the fans, we're going to make this chapter super special long!" Koto grinned. "And since we're older and wiser, we know we can break at least the eight page mark!"

"You hear that, everyone! Eight pages!"

The crowd cheered wildly; eight whole pages? Wow! That's like, a lot! Then they all began to wonder if that counted the annoyingly long, "Sorry we suck" author's note at the beginning, then realizing it did they all sighed in despair.

Gaara sighed in despair too, considering that he was all sad and stuff because he'd started the end of the world.

"It could always suck worse," said Milo, the magical chipmunk of Arizona.

Gaara agreed.

"Indeed," Gaara muttered just to assert that he did, in fact, agree with Milo the magical chipmunk of Arizona. "So, Milo…who do you think will win this battle?"

"Well, judging from my magical calculations that are totally not this Number 8 Ball…" Milo, the magical chipmunk of Arizona, quickly turned and shook his 'magical calculations that were so totally not a Number 8 Ball' then said, "Ask again later."

Gaara, not one to doubt Milo, the magical chipmunk of Arizona, decided that it would be best to ask later.

"Will our two contestants enter the ring!" Juri said with a smile and a twirl, then jumped into a full-fledged dance off like in "America's Best Dance Crew" before being yelled at for being out of step and then ran off the stage crying and whining about needing to be held.

"Up first will be Naruto Uzumaki! He's a ninja from the Village Hidden in the Leaves and wears the oh-so stealthy color, orange! He's called obnoxious by most of his friends, except Sasuke who says he's 'On His List.' Which, to everyone else, means that he's perfectly safe from death!" Koto said causing the audience to laugh hysterically until milk came out of their noses, regardless of whether or not they were drinking milk at the time the comment was made, and Sasuke burst into tears.

Naruto stepped onto the stage, but had decided to dress up for the occasion. Instead of his jumpsuit, he wore a tight, slightly transparent orange dress and a giant banana perched on his spiky hair.

"Ah hem, hem, if I can have total silence please!" Naruto said as he stuck his nose up in the air and puffed his chest out. The crowd fell silent. "Now, my song about Barbie will be sung to the tune of 'I Love You,' from Barney! Alright, hit it!"

The DJ, who was Milo the magical chipmunk of Arizona's slightly less known brother, known as Clyde, the less magical chipmunk of Oregon, did, in fact, hit it. He hit it so hard that it burst into flames, was put out, burst into more flames, and then blew up the whole universe. Thus, they had to go to another universe where the sky was mysteriously pink and forced to continue the tournament there.

Naruto almost began his song, but decided to do a quick transformation. So, instead of being Naruto in his odd attire for the night, he became Ben Stein in a leopard print banana hammock. Absolutely disgusted, the world did a massive upchuck and began to cry pathetically. The only one seeming to enjoy the show was Sasuke, who began taking various pictures of the dancing Ben Stein; but whether he used these photographs for black mail or for the naughty things he did to himself in bed, no one would ever, or want to, know.

Naruto at last began to sing.

"Barbie's boobs,

They are huge

Looks like they'd pop like balloons

If you gave her a hug

Now my pants are kinda snug!

Gotta change my pantaLOOOOOONNSSSSS!!"

With that last screeching note done, Naruto transformed back, and the massive upchuck finally ended, though all the fish in the universe with the pink sky died; though it wasn't because of the massive vomit fest. There was too much pollution in the water to begin with, and the fish were all depressed until the messiah fish came and said that they would follow him and they would die and go to fishy heaven. So, they all went to this giant party and they all drank this punch, but it was poisoned so they all ended up dying.

"That was…Naruto's…song," Koto said, slightly flabbergasted by what had just happened. "And what do the judges think?"

The judges, were of course, Penelope the Pineapple, a tissue, and that insignificant guy on the right side of the screen during the scene when Naruto's all emo on the swing in the first episode. But since that guy didn't get any lines, he'd mysteriously forgotten how to speak, which had nothing at all to do with the fact that Itachi and pulled out his vocal chords because he had a pretty voice and he wanted a pretty voice to go with his pretty hair, which he'd obtained from Donald Trump's various wig collections. And thus, they said nothing.

"Next up," Juri said as she cast an uneasy eye at the judges, "Is Bob! Bob, will you take the stage?"

Bob entered the stage and held up his hands, and everyone fell silent. He began to prepare the set, which involved putting on a lot of eyeliner, ("Hey look, Gaara! He's cosplaying as you!" Lee said, only to be met with a sock in his mouth because the sock was mad at Lee because he never called her back after that absolutely amazing night they'd spent together about a week ago at the casino where the actors dressed up like Indians and ran around pretending to kill people, but instead of pretending to kill people, they really did kill the people, and thus a massive CSI-type investigation was started where Shikamaru danced the Conga in a miniskirt.) He opened his mouth and began to sing a voice that made Chuck Norris pee a little.

"How about them toad suckers? Ain't they clods?  
Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs.  
Suckin' them hop-toads, suckin' them chunkers,  
Suckin them leapy types, suckin' them plunkers."

Of course, no one was really sure what a plunker was. Many dictionaries were consulted at that point as they began to look up the various strange words of the song. "Plunker," "Chunkers," and "Them" were all common searches, though less common where the "frogs" because everyone knew that frogs were the little goblins that lived under your bed and tap danced on your nose to make you sneeze and wake yourself up from an awesome dream about spicy food being fed to you by an extremely attractive person.

"Look at them toad suckers. Ain't they snappy?  
Suckin' them bog-frogs sure makes 'em happy.  
Them huggermugger toad suckers, way down south,  
Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!  
How to be a toad sucker? No way to duck it.  
Gittchyseff a toad, rare back and suck it!"

The stadium was left in complete and utter silence before everything went CRAZY. And the good kind of crazy too! They were all a-cheering and a-hootin and a-hollerin like the world was gonna end. Which it did; and then they all went back to their own dimension which was fixed with a lot of duct tape.

"That was an amazing song!" Juri said.

"I dunno, Juri," Koto disagreed, "I disagree," she said just to let her know that she disagreed with Juri's statement. "That song didn't even have the word Barbie in it! But I'm not one to judge; let's see what the judges say."

The judges didn't really say anything, 'cause one of 'em was a pineapple (who Sasuke SWORE kept giving him eyes, but he just turned away because he was still upset about the whole cheating on him with an apple thing and had the urge to summon his woodland creatures (the whales and dolphins if you all forgot) and send her straight to pineapple hell, though he didn't question how her existence was still possible because she had been made into a fruit salad that everyone had enjoyed very much), the other was a tissue, and the last one had his vocal chords ripped out.

The guy who had his vocal chords ripped out gave a thumbs down, and since it was the only thing the announcers had to go on, they declared that Naruto had won. In actuality, the guy with no vocal chords had really liked Bob's song very much, but was motioning to the opposite side of the stadium where a large cinder block was being unloaded, and he needed to tell the crane to go down, but since he couldn't talk because Itachi was a jealous bastard, he had to put his thumb down; thus making Bob lose. The guy with no vocal chords began to cry and cry, then Sasuke came and bitch slapped him because in this story, no one cried more than he did.

--

FB: How many pages?

YFB: Five.

FB: Crap.

--

Koto smiled happily as she gnawed on her poké ball. "Pika pika! pikachu pika."

Juri nodded in complete agreement. "Bulba, bulbasaur!"

And with the next contest named, Kakashi and Neji stepped onto the floor, both determined to try their best in their given task. They each prepared in a completely and utterly different way, deciding that it was best to get prep talks from their teams before going onto the battle field.

"Naruto, what do you think I should do?" Kakashi asked nervously as he bit his nails, even though he was wearing a mask; it was really a feat, I almost wish you were there so you could see it, I mean, seriously.

Naruto thought deeply for a moment before saying, "I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT BUTTER!!"

Sasuke began to cry because everything was lying to him. It wasn't butter? His whole life was a lie! It must have had something to do with Itachi; Itachi made it not butter somehow! But what sort of forbidden jutsu could do this? Was his brother truly that powerful that he could transform an ordinary stick of butter into something that looked like butter, tasted like butter, but wasn't butter? The thoughts plagued his teen angst ridden mind, and at the last moment he decided that he would go to Orochimaru for more power in order to discover this jutsu on his own. But it would have to wait. After all, he couldn't just leave; that would make Penelope win…and he would not let that cheating whore win!

Sakura said, "When did this story gain the resemblance of a plot?"

But she was annoying and no one listened to her.

On the other side of the stadium, which for some reason was shaped like a bowl of alphabet soup with all the letters saying, "OOOOO," which would not make it alphabet soup after all, but cheerios, and which would make the stadium not in the shape of a soup bowl, but a cereal bowl, Neji was conversing with his team.

"YOUTH!" Gai said youthfully.

"YOUTH!" Lee said oldly.

Everyone was shocked. Lee screamed 'Youth' in an unyouthful manner? What was this DEVILRY!? Immediately, Sasuke attributed it to some powerful jutsu that Itachi had created, perhaps it was another ability of the Sharingan.

"Neji," Tenten patted her friend on the back, "I know you can win this; even though if you married Hinata that would be incest on some basis, although it would be legal in Alabama and Europe."

Neji pondered this for a moment. "Where's Europe?"

Tenten did not know. In fact, she wasn't sure that a place like Europe existed. What was Europe? Who was Europe? Why have I don't nothing but write rhetorical questions for the past few paragraphs? It must have been a jutsu from Itachi, Sasuke surmised, and he decided that he really did need to go to Orochimaru in order to defeat his brother who could do all these mind bending things.

"Pika, PIKACHU," Koto smiled and nodded.

"Charmander, char!" Juri agreed.

"Wait, I thought you said you were going to be Bulbasaur," Koto frowned. She was not pleased with Juri. Not pleased at all.

"I know…but Bulbasaur is such a lame Pokémon. Charmander is so much cooler," Juri nodded her head knowingly.

Koto's frown deepened. "But you can't just change Pokémon halfway through! That's not fair!"

"Life's not fair!" Juri retorted. "I'll be charmander if I want to be!"

Koto was close to tears. "WHY ARE YOU ACTING LIKE THIS?!"

Sasuke believed that it had to do something with Itachi. And a jutsu.

You can fill in the rest. Everybody, aloud, at your computers; I don't care if you're in a library, in the room with your siblings; I want to hear you here in Massachusetts! On the count of three! ONE TWO ORANGE:

Why was Juri acting so cruelly? It must have been a jutsu from Itachi, Sasuke thought. How could his brother be that powerful? To possess such strength to allow a Pokémon to change it's very being in the middle of an announcement? It was blasphemy! There was only one thing left for Sasuke to do; he had to go to Orochimaru and get more power!

Thank you all for participating.

Neji and Kakashi entered the ring, and the large purple leprechaun who was driving an ice cream truck rang the bell and the two charged forward. Firsts blazing, it was a pure struggle for power, their eyes blazing with pure hatred as they prepared to strike down whoever would get in their way. They neared each other, their powers cackling around their bodies…

"WHO WEARS SHORT SHORTS?!" Kakashi roared as he dove in between Neji's legs.

Neji shouted, "I WEAR SHORT SHORTS!"

"WHO WEARS SHORT SHORTS?!"

"I WEAR SHORT SHORTS!"

Neji turned and aimed a kick at Kakashi's head, but was blocked by the large "SHORT SHOTS" letters that had appeared. In fact, the stadium, that was a soup bowl but not really, it was a cereal bowl, was slowly filling up with SHORT SHORTS. Young children screamed and hid in their mother's aprons who proceeded to hop away like kangaroos, and Sasuke …

HE DIDN'T ATTRIBUTE IT TO ITACHI!! OLAHGOIH JAKHGIOWHGWIOR

The battle continued until Neji and Kakashi were dressed only in tutus balancing candles on their heads. But instead of balancing candles on their heads, they were really eating spaghetti over a pit of applesauce. Mario was in the back ground playin on a violin, even though I'm pretty sure, according to the original Mario Party, he was the conductor in that stupid, "Play the notes," and I could never get the stupid baton thingy to move in the right direction and the audience always threw hammers I me and then I would cry.

But not as much as Sasuke, because no one cries as much as Sasuke.

They shoveled the pasta into their bellies until only one strand was left. They munched on the strand, each on one end, and the spaghetti got shorter, and shorter, and shorter…until…

"Hey, wait a second," Sakura blinked. "How can Kakashi-sensei be eating spaghetti with his mask still on?"

There was a resounding gasp through the audience, and sirens began to blare. A discrepancy! A plot hole! How could this tory of a plot hole? It was impossible! It must have been a j---

And suddenly, the narrator was shot so that that joke was not repeated for the umpteenth time. In his place was a new narrator named Jim. Now Jim was a pancake from Pennsylvania who controlled puppets; much like Kankurou. In fact, Jim was Kankurou's brother. And Jim was AWESOME. He was really pretty with black hair and purple highlights and he looked exactly like so-and-so but with a longer nose and without that disgusting nose and he sounded like that-famous-singer-guy but it was deeper and he was just all around perfect.

But all Jim could do was talk about himself. It was terrible. The story didn't get anywhere, and suddenly Gaara remembered that he was the main character and hadn't spoken since the beginning when he had that very intriguing conversation with Milo, the magical chipmunk of Arizona. He stood tall, deciding that, "Hey! This is my story! I refuse to have all these crazy people undermine the fact that I'm the main character! See!"

And with that he logged onto and proceeded to the Anime/Naruto section, although he did pause briefly to marvel at the new crossover section, which he decided would save him a bunch of time when he was looking for his Sailor Moon/Ruroni Kenshin crossover fics, then began messing with the bars at the top. He had to make sure, just in case! He set the genre to "Parody," set the rating to "T" for terrific, set the characters to "Gaara" then "Hinata," and clicked "Go!" He waited with anticipation, then smiled broadly as he looked down the short list of stories. There it was, the third one down, with 217 reviews…by Flutterfly…and it said "GAARA'S RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM!"

Thus, he scrolled down to the very bottom of chapter 14, clucking his tongue as he recalled Iruka's disqualification, and went to the green writing and wrote a review. And the 218th review said, "I AM STILL THE MAIN CHARACTER!"

And suddenly Jim's evil rule was overthrown with the might of his angry yelling. Everyone cheered and celebrated and had a god awful time!

Oh, and Neji one that round, just to let you know.

UP NEXT IS LEE VS JIRAIYA!!

FF: And there you have it.

YFF: And there we have it.

FF: So, as always…

YFF: Send us your reviews…

FF: And your ideas…

YFF: And we'll put it the story

FF: Somewhere…

YFF: Yeah…

FF: ….HAI GAIZ!! I'M BAAAAAACK!!!!!!


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